What kind of discipline strategies will I use with my kids?

Mark Bennett, LCSW 2026

I am a parent, and I think I do a pretty good job, but I am well aware that I'm not perfect, and I have made my decent share of mistakes. Did you know that therapists can be imperfect parents too? Yes, you aren't alone. I have said things I shouldn't have said, or I have been irritable when I shouldn't have been. Let’s hope nobody was filming when I was rudely trying to tell my kid to stop being rude. If you have raised kids for more than a couple years, and have never had a single outburst, or done something "wrong" out of irritation, then I'd probably wonder what substance you were perpetually taking. But parents can improve their methods. I think I've gotten better over the years, and if you want to ask my kids about any of my problems, go ahead.

I wanted to share some of the things that I have discovered that have been helpful for me and others, and some things I have found to be totally unhelpful but feel right in the moment. This article is my discipline creed. I'll explain some basic discipline strategies (right and wrong) and then explain what I feel works best and what doesn't.

There are 3 basic discipline strategies. Not every parent fits neatly into one of these categories, but specific parental actions often do.

Authoritative (Healthy)

Parents have authority but are kind about it. They encourage kids to follow rules and collaborate with kids on what rules to set. They still have the final say, but the final say isn’t based on anger or split-second emotions. Also, these parents pick their battles.

“When can you get the dishes done? Remember, they need to be done before I take you to your friend’s house.”

“Don’t want to do them? I know you hate dishes. Still, my offer to drive you is on the table if they are done before 5 PM.”

“Thanks for doing them before 5! I’ll take you now.”

While driving: “We can problem-solve a way to make dishes less frustrating after you get back from your friend’s.”

Authoritarian (Unhealthy)

Parents are demanding but not warm. They feel and exert lots of pressure to keep kids under control, focusing primarily on a child’s misbehavior. These parents might fear that healthier parenting styles are too nice and will turn their kids into softies.

Examples

“NO! YOU ARE THE PROBLEM! NOT ME! You need to fix your attitude! If I didn’t have such a whiny kid, then maybe I’d stop yelling. But yelling is the only way to motivate you to care!”

The Authoritarian Creed: If you are misbehaving, I will make you act better. I must be respected. You must learn respect. Not the other way around, so don’t turn it back on me. You’re the one with the problems.

Permissive (Unhealthy also, but in the opposite direction)

Parents just let their kids do whatever they want. Authority is absent.

“You don’t wanna do the dishes? No problem. I’ll do them. I hope you love me for it.”

“I have no standards for who you date, how you treat people, or how you speak to me.”

“Don’t wanna do your homework? OK, you never have to do it again.”

“You just want cookies, brownies, and Pop-Tarts? OK, because I don’t want you mad at me.”

“It’s too boring to brush your teeth when you’d rather play video games? I apologize for suggesting something that wasn’t fun.”

The Authoritarian Parenting Cycle

Justice and punishment only: doing what the child deserves, even when it doesn’t work

What it feels like to be a parent in this problem cycle

When I am upset, I believe that I am extra right, and I am tempted to believe that my child is extra wrong. If I display any understanding or kindness, it seems that would reward bad behavior. When my child acts out, I feel a push to be mean or forceful. What if power, volume, and bad feelings are required for a parent to stay in control of a strong-willed child? I feel pressure to model the very behaviors I then refuse to tolerate from my child.

• The belief. Any questioning of or acting against my authority feels like high treason, so dissent must be met with an escalation of power. Once I have laid down the law, I can’t tolerate another viewpoint for fear of losing control.

• The fear underneath. I fear that I am losing control over my child. What if my child stops listening? I’d better nip it in the bud now before this gets out of control!

• Why it feels like I should withhold kindness. Hearing their concerns, showing love, or comforting them would reward bad behavior. Feeling bad is the only thing that should work to make my child stop acting bad, right? I must do the wrong thing to do the right thing.

The cycle

This is the problem cycle I encourage when I’m in Authoritarian Mode:

1. My child disagrees. They question my authority, get upset, or are rude.

2. I fear losing control. I read it as dissent and feel disrespected.

3. I escalate. I cut them off, get louder, and make them feel bad.

4. I withhold comfort and act irritated. Thinking, “They will see how frustrated I am, and then they will behave.”

5. My child copies me and turns it back on me. They sure are smart. They use my techniques back on me: cutting me off, getting louder, and doubling down.

6. I punish them when they do what I modeled. They must do as I say, not as I do. They are the errant child. I am the virtuous and correct adult.

It keeps getting more contentious.

Alternatively, in such a cycle, children may get less defiant but be silenced out of fear or shame. Relationships between parents and children built on silence, fear, and shame don’t lead to healthy outcomes either.

When I Am in Authoritarian Mode with a Strong-Willed Child

There is another set of possible outcomes that can be even more frightening: If my child has a “less-strong will” and shuts down, obeying harsh authoritarian methods, I don’t see that as success. This is because I don’t want my kid to learn that “If someone is angry with me, that means I am wrong, and I should probably obey them completely.” Also, I don’t want my child to learn that “taking away someone’s voice is how to manage family disagreements.”

There will always be some temptation to influence people in unhealthy ways when I am frustrated, but I’m strong enough to not give in to the authoritarian drive. I can be a strong, firm, collaborative parent. My child doesn’t always have to agree with me, and I don’t always have to agree with them. But I do expect compliance with the guidelines that I carefully set up (often with their collaboration).

A Better Way: Authoritative Parenting

I have authority that is collaborative with my child’s needs. My top priority is, “What can I do that will actually work to get this child to want to improve?” instead of “What does this child deserve, and is it punishing enough to overpower their free will?”

What I work on

• I rarely use force and power, but I enforce wise rules in ways that still show I care.

• I choose to do what works instead of what I think should work. I choose what helps my child become more respectful overall, rather than simply what punishment they deserve.

What I believe in

• Authority with humility. I have authority, but I do not demand authoritarian rule over my kids, especially as they get older. My requests are not always perfectly thought out ahead of time, so I can legitimately be off sometimes. I can change my requests based on their needs or new info. I am quick to hear their needs.

• Doing what works. I am quick to realize when it is simply a bad idea to push a rule or expectation with anger or more pressure. I don’t dig in my heels all the time. When I do toe the line, I am gentle about it but still firm, and never mocking. I show the example of how I want them to act and talk.

• The long road. I take the long road rather than demanding an immediate fix. I know my child is not fully mature. My child is not mature enough to change as quickly as I can. Or maybe my child and I aren’t that different. It is hard for me to change, so why would I expect it to be easier for them? But I have a hopeful outlook for the road ahead.

The rule I decide to drop:

“If my child provokes me enough, they deserve and need my anger. If they are rude, I cannot be kind. If they are upset, I must match or exceed their negative energy.”

I replace that rule with the following:

“I am not turning my child into a sort-of well-behaved pet who has been programmed to not make messes on the kitchen floor. I am improving my relationship with my child while encouraging them to become better, motivated by true human joy, gratitude, and hope, which will help their behavior more than any harsh pressure or escalation.”

What I Practice

• I stay calm, even when they seem to deserve my anger. This is not permission for them to misbehave. It’s basic parenting wisdom. Before I say something, I check my muscle tension and make sure I relax, because saying things in a tense frame of mind or body damages the relationships that I want to build. I notice when my child is overwhelmed, and I practice not getting overwhelmed myself.

• I hear them out without interrupting. I resist the urge to convince my child of something when they are not in a frame of mind to hear me out. I rarely interrupt my child while they are explaining something, even when I don’t believe they are right, and even though it is very hard to hold my tongue.

• I watch my own words and tone, rather than just getting upset about my child’s attitude. My bad attitude won’t fix my child’s bad attitude. Accusations hurled at my child make them resentful rather than convinced of my wisdom. I use fewer judgmental terms (avoiding “You’re so defiant, rude, ungrateful, lazy!”). I use fewer absolutes and motivate less with fear and extremes (I don’t say “You NEVER listen” or “You’re going to end up HOMELESS if you don’t do this”).

• I stay flexible. I keep clear expectations, with flexibility. I collaborate with my child, change plans when it is wise, and adjust expectations when it is clear they need to be adjusted.

• I enforce rules.

  • Parental wisdom: As a parent, I know some things my child doesn’t know, and I am allowed to enforce what I ask of them. But I make sure my demands are wise rather than stress- or anger-based.

  • I don’t perpetually give in to their complaints by letting them do whatever they want every time they see a problem, but sometimes their complaints are justified. Sometimes I choose to put my foot down. Other times, I change my decisions based on their perspective. I want to teach them to follow authority AND to collaborate, because both are essential characteristics they will need.

  • Collaboration on rules: I can break required tasks into manageable ones if that works better than pushing them to the extreme. I work with them to find out how following rules can be more comfortable or workable for them. I adjust the rules when I realize they are over-demanding, and I firmly but kindly hold to rules that I know they need.

  • Flexibility: I am willing to change the demands I set in anger, because angry demands are often over-the-top. This shows my child that they, too, are allowed to change the ideas they came up with in their anger.

The Example I Show My Child Now

When my child improves, it is usually a gradual process. I don’t demand quick fixes. I take the long view. It’s harder for my child to change than for me to change, but they will catch on.

Change Can Be a Challenge

I keep improving anyway

Changing patterns is tough. I will make mistakes, but I realize that my child (who is not as mature as I am) will likely make more mistakes than I do. Or maybe we’re not that different. I will keep trying, to demonstrate that I expect them to keep trying. They learned their problem habits over time, so they will keep using them for a while after I change mine. Still, I will keep responding differently, and I will learn and keep improving before they do.

The question that often comes up

“Am I just supposed to allow my child to walk all over me?”

The answer is “Of course not! I can set limits and be caring and warm at the same time. It’s not an either-or scenario. However, I ask myself the following questions:

• Does my child ever feel like I’m walking all over them?

• How do I feel, and how do I act, when people walk all over me?

• Am I asking my child to act better than I do in stressful situations?

• Wouldn’t it be rewarding my bad behavior if my child obeyed me every time I acted angry or frustrated with them?

• Will I be the example they follow, or am I asking a child to set the example that I follow?

“Yeah, but I am the parent and they are the child, so it’s different, isn’t it? Shouldn’t they just do what I say? Shouldn’t they learn that they can’t get what they want by acting out?”

The answer is “Yes, of course it is different, and they do need to follow me! But this is how it is different: I want my kids to follow my good example. I’m more experienced with life, so it should be easier for me to show a good example in difficult circumstances. The first improvements are best made by the one who is most capable: me. If I wait for my child to improve before I use better strategies, it won’t ever happen.”

Make the answers to the following questions a lifelong quest:

• How can I do what works?

• How can I teach my child with gentleness, love, and kindness?

• When they break rules, how can I enforce rules and encourage my child with love, even if they are mad at me?

Many answers to those questions can be found by applying the positive principles above, while avoiding the contrasting ways that don’t work. I need to develop and research strategies that are in line with good principles. As long as the answer is, “I can do all these things with gentleness and sincere love,” I am on the right track.

(C) 2026 - Mark Bennett's original ideas, with polishing from AI to help with grammar and organization, and to take some over-worded prose and make it easier to understand.