A sometimes-accurate part of our brain can also sabotage good relationships.

The Amygdala and the fight/flight/freeze System

When someone is feeling tense, angry, or frustrated at another person, they might be in fight/flight/freeze mode. In humans, the part of the brain that triggers this is called the amygdala (consisting of 2 almond-sized clusters near/in between the ears). This system sets off a "fire alarm" when it perceives danger. Whether or not we think we are in danger, our amygdala may believe we are. When the amygdala decides to be upset about other people, it sets off a chain reaction which motivates us to treat them as an enemy -- which isn't helpful for our good relationships. When we treat someone like an enemy, then their amygdala likely triggers them to view us as an enemy. This brain region is a primitive brain structure. Reptiles have a similar but simpler structure. It's so simple that they can't even get mad if someone calls them names, flips them off, or tells them where to go. Our state-of-the-art amygdala, however, has the uncanny ability to become intensely upset about a host of complex scenarios. Sometimes, it is even upset by things that aren't problems.

Our thinking brain may believe that our child/parent/partner is a good person, but the amygdala can still ring out "THIS IS A HORRIBLE SITUATION!" When excited, the amygdala stages a coup in our brain by shutting down the more rational parts and attempting to take over our behavior and speech. Because our amygdala can shut down our rational mind, it is very convincing even when wrong. We might wrongly see what we think is perfect evidence to prove how awful someone is, only to later realize that we were wrong to judge. We might even believe we are in a catastrophe, only to find out that everything is okay.

Everyone's amygdala is wrong sometimes, but it isn't always wrong. Don't assume that someone has an overactive amygdala when they say they have been mistreated. If you doubt whether you have been abused or not, it may be best to speak with someone who is able to recognize the signs and characteristics of abuse.

Why do we become contentious and angry even when this only worsens our relationships?

If you are a normal person, then you can remember a time when you had a contentious argument with someone -- which you then regretted. The logical part of your brain that knew how to have good relationships likely lost blood flow when your fight-flight system was set off. Perhaps it was a disagreement, and not a dangerous situation, but it felt awful anyway. In this condition, you struggled to see from a logical perspective that your angry reaction was causing problems. You probably believed that you were making things better when they were just getting worse. Your logical mind was too offline to convincingly tell you to act differently. This is a situation I have been in, and I would be very surprised if you haven't.

When arguing isn't working

When we argue with a spouse, parent or child, and anger spikes upward, then true listening and understanding cannot happen, because the thoughtful parts of our brain are shutting down or overloaded. In this condition, we listen to react, but not to hear. Each side is willing to hear their partner just long enough to prove that the other is wrong. Any person in this interaction has a fight/flight system telling them to treat the opposing person as an enemy. Hurtful things could be said, which would have been avoided if the rational mind was accessible. We might feel that arguing with more force is necessary. Or we might feel like shutting down or leaving the area -- to cancel the other person's access to us.

Shutting down or walking away at every conflict doesn't work to build relationships.

When we try to avoid a conflict, we can sometimes skip the "fight" mode, and go straight into "flight" or "freeze" -- which are also conditions caused by the amygdala. Remember that the amygdala doesn't motivate us to build relationships, but to protect us by avoiding them or metaphorically tearing them apart. If the other person is not dangerous, then we may be wise to learn other ways to deal with conflict. Some people shut down because they have been abused, and they have found that standing up for themselves is dangerous. Once again, the amygdala can sometimes correctly judge our circumstances.

If this is how our brains work, then where is our personal responsibility? Should we blame our brains' reactions for bad relationships?

You don't perfectly control the firing of every single neuron in your brain, but you can learn to manage your mind better and improve your relationships. One of the best ways to manage conflict and to improve relationships is to practice emotional regulation skills. We can learn to recognize when our fight/flight/freeze system is activated and then learn to manage our emotions. This can help our relationships more than many other things. Recall that our amygdala and its reactions are very convincing even when wrong. It will take conscious choice and practice to go in another direction.

Tips and tricks to manage stress reactions so you can have better relationships with good people.

• Remind yourself, "The loudest, most convincing voice in my mind is not always the truest."

• Memorize what it feels like to be in fight-flight-freeze mode. Recall exactly what it feels like to be upset with someone - physically and emotionally. Remember all the thoughts that go through your mind. Recall how convincing those angry or fearful thoughts were. Now imagine yourself doing something to strengthen the relationship anyway. Imagine yourself being patient, understanding, or caring.

• Before you tell someone else to take this advice, follow it yourself.

• If you are safe, relax your muscles when signs of conflict arise. Notice how muscles tense up during conflict. Relaxing your muscles is one of the pathways to calm down your amygdala. Look up relaxation exercises and find what works for you. Practice some of the techniques in tense situations (you may not be able to do a 30-minute yoga exercise in every situation, so learn some quick techniques.)

• Try to understand the perspective of the other person. At first, this may only work when you are feeling calmer, and it will likely be challenging even when you are calm. Speak to them about the topic when you can clearly and accurately articulate their point of view in a way that they can agree with. If you explain their point of view in a way that is not their point of view, then don't be surprised when they disagree.

• Realize that you don't have to agree with their point of view, but you do need to demonstrate understanding.

• Remind yourself that you care about this person in front of you. Feel compassion.

• Remind yourself that the person is not an enemy.

• If you need a break, don’t just run off and slam the door. Say something like, "I'm overwhelmed. Give me a few minutes to calm down. I'll be back by … " Then come back and solve the problem when your brain wants to build relationships.

• Your mind and body will have reactions that feel totally convincing about why you need to be emotionally aggressive or shut down. Remind yourself that these sensations and mental activities are good for escaping or defeating enemies but aren't useful for healing relationship challenges. Ask the calmer part of you to chime in and give advice.

• People listen better when they feel understood. If they don't feel understood, then you might need to do more listening. You may need to argue less with them even though you don't agree. If you cut them off regularly, then stop doing that. If you can't get in a word in edgewise, then let them talk, then express your understanding as described above, and then ask them to give you some space to share your perspective. Repeat if necessary. You cannot make someone understand you, but you can give them a sporting chance by hearing them out and then asking for space yourself.

• If they are dangerous or master manipulators, then many of these ideas may not be helpful. You may need a safety plan, or you may need to involve other resources, such as a domestic violence center, or the authorities

Visit my home page to learn about scheduling an appointment https://markbcounseling.com/

(C) 2025. All original Text. Images on blogs are a combination of Mark's creations, public domain, clipart, and AI images edited by Mark.