Parenting Like a Pro
By Mark Bennett, LCSW (Idaho Falls, USA)
No parent is perfect, but over the years, I have complied some ideas that can help with the task. I hope you find this helpful in managing childhood needs and behaviors.
The image above illustrates a parent who gets down on the same level as their child. This is one technique that helps kids listen better, calm down, and improves communication -- all without having to do anything complicated.
HOW TO GET KIDS TO OPEN UP ABOUT THEIR CHALLENGES
If kids can communicate with their parents better, many of their problem behaviors go away. However, many kids have a hard time talking about their difficult feelings.
Many times, I’ve noticed that adults tell kids, “You can say anything to me! I don't want you to be afraid to talk to me!” But when kids open up, their parents often don't receive it very well, using quick phrases like:
Monsters aren’t real. Just go to sleep.
You don’t really hate your teacher.
That's a small problem to freak out about.
I don’t like your attitude.
Just calm down!
Be content with what you have.
That’s not what really happened.
Stop crying. It's just a scratch
All these phrases might be true or good advice, but they leave children feeling like nobody understands them. Physical and emotional pain still hurt -- regardless of advice. Save the advice until a child feels soothed and understood.
Kids often tell me something like: “ My parents don’t understand how hard it is to stop being so negative, stop crying, stop being afraid, or calm down. I don't talk about my feelings with them, because it only disappoints them."
Things to know when communicating with struggling children:
Their brains work differently than yours. What seems irrational to you feels very real to them.
They don't know what to do with their feelings, and with the pain.
Big emotions need to be heard and understood rather than quickly solved.
As they get comfortable talking to you without being interrupted by 'good advice', they will come to you with their truly big problems. You will help them better that way.
Hold the advice, and use empathy and validation instead:
Here are some examples:
"That was very upsetting!—I’m glad you told me."
"I was also afraid of the dark when I was young. I know it can be scary."
"It can be really hard to stop worrying even when you know you don’t need to worry."
"It's hard to stop crying sometimes. It's okay if you do."
"When you say that your math teacher hates you, and you don’t care about the ‘F’ on your report card, I’m thinking that math class was really hard on you this semester." (This is not agreement with the ‘F’ nor with child’s statements about the teacher. Offer validation and let them express their frustrations without interrupting them -- all before any advice is given.)
"This is hard to talk about it, isn’t it?"
Things to Know and Do when Validating Children
Don't just give some token validation and then start pouring on the advice.
If a child cannot honestly say, "I feel understood and cared for," Then they are not in a frame of mind to receive advice. If a child does not feel good in the relationship with you, then your teaching will backfire no matter how good it is.
Listen with the intent to understand rather than to correct. Resist the urge to interrupt when they say things that aren't true, or when they express opinions you disagree with. You don't have to agree with someone to use empathy and validation.
Replace heated argument with validation. When your child is upset about not having a toy, you can talk about their feelings, how fun the toy must be, and how many friends have it. You can point out how sad it feels to not have things you really like. You can do all of that without buying the toy. You can do all of that before saying, "Save up your money."
Even if validation is not a magic trick that can manipulate your child into agreeing with you always, they will agree with you more often when you are more validating.
THE ESCALATION CYCLE
When kids (or adults) are upset, the part of their brain that processes logical arguments loses blood flow. They experience something akin to temporary brain damage, which prevents them from listening to you best and most well thought-out advice. Help children manage their emotions first (often by allowing them to express their emotions without interrupting them, and offering understanding. Then, when they are calm, you can teach, if it is even necessary.
Verbally teach kids in the GREEN, but you don't always have to teach with words. Sometimes You can always teach emotional regulation through your calm, compassionate interest in your child. Maintain Safety, offer empathy, or just wait when kids are in RED. When they calm, If you get them to feel too much shame about their tantrum, they might spike back to RED. If you give your child a frustrated and long-winded lecture, they might only learn how much they hate it when you talk. Use your understanding of the escalation cycle to improve your efficacy as a parent.
Example of using the wisdom from the escalation cycle:
Little Susan is screaming because she can only have 53 pieces of candy, and her friend has 54. She happens to be the kind of child that will allow you to pick her up when she is upset. So you pick her up, walk around with her, wait for her to calm down. (If she won't allow being picked up, then you may want to be quiet nearby, waiting for her to calm down). When she is calmer, you play a game with her (This is not rewarding bad behavior -- it is getting a child into a state where they can learn and cooperate.) After the game, you might send her back to what she was doing before. You don't give her more candy, because that would be rewarding bad behavior, but you don't even bring that up. You may not even have to do any verbal teaching. Just catch her when she is upset, help her calm down, and send her on her way. Repeat as necessary, or organize a way to prevent problems later on. That's many times more effective than arguing with her about how bad her tantrums are or how selfish she seems.
DEALING WITH TANTRUMS
Parents ask me, "How do I get my kid to calm down when they throw a tantrum?"
To that, I answer, "When you find out, let me know!" Tantruming children are surprisingly similar to angry cats. Trying to calm them down can make them worse. Also, tantrums are not the most important time to make a difference in your child's life. They just happen because kids have a tendency to feel overwhelmed. It is just how their brains work. If you see outbursts as the time to exercise your strongest parenting techniques, you'll wear yourself out.
Even though your power as an adult is limited during a child's tantrum, it is helpful to follow some ideas
Remind yourself that this is a big deal for them even if it is a tiny matter to you.
Notice how much you want to argue with them. Then don't. They can't process arguments now.
Some kids are calmed by being held. Others don't want to be touched. Do what works, and don't do what doesn't work.
Don't be angry if they walk off during an argument. If they are safe, let them go.
Getting angry when they slam the door trains them to slam it harder next time.
Offer empathy and validation (expressions of understanding that are genuine), if it doesn't make them angry.
When they are calm, then is the time to problem solve. Start with what you can do as a parent. Ask them, "How do you want me to react when you are really upset? Do you want me to leave or stay close by? Do you want me to talk to you, pick you up, or leave you alone?"
I'm not saying that there should never be consequences for tantrums. Consequences may or may not be helpful, but if punishing or complaining about outbursts doesn't work, then harsher punishments or bigger complaints will work less.
If there is danger, then protect the child or others as safely as possible.
STAY AWAY FROM DOWNWARD SPIRALS
I have seen many kids caught in downward spirals, while flabbergasted adults try harder and harder to make them behave. Kids' behavior worsens when bad feelings accompany correction. This is especially true in kids with ADHD or defiance.
There's a better way! When parents and other adults take the perspective of investing in their child's emotional wellness, behavior improves.
HOW DO I MAKE MY KIDS STOP ARGUING WITH ME?
The answer is to show by example that you refuse to argue with them in any heated way. You can be understanding without agreeing. Your job isn't to convince an angry child of anything. Teach when they are calmer. Offer empathy and validation when they are angry. See the illustration further below about a man throwing meat at a wolf to make it go away, which illustrates how arguing with your child will only provoke more argument. It won't get them to see the light unless they are in a receptive frame of mind. If they look tense or upset, they are not receptive.
Adults and children who argue a lot often see each other as a problem. This is because the system that drives human anger and contentious argument is designed to defeat an enemy -- not to strengthen cooperation. If your child appears to be getting angry, then anything you say will be transformed, in their mind, to make you look stupid. Even your best arguments will bounce off.
So, in Summary, Don't focus on getting your child to stop arguing. Focus on not arguing with your child when they are upset. Your children may often try to suck you into an argument, because when they argue with you and you argue back, it makes them feel like they are in the right. This is the contention-craving part of your child in full action. Sometimes it is appropriate to offer a consequence for arguing, but this can cause problems by making children less willing to discuss their difficulties with you when they need help. If your goal is to get them to talk to you when they have problems, you will want to remain compassionate when they bring up their problems.
TOO MUCH STRESS MAKES IT HARD TO PARENT. REDUCE STRESS AND LEARN SOME SKILLS TO IMPROVE YOUR INTUITION.
If your argumentative and defiant children make you feel like a lone sea captain needing to quash a mutiny, then your nervous system is in fight/flight mode. Parents in this energy are notoriously bad at promoting cooperative behavior in their children.
Does it feel like your child need to stop back-talking RIGHT NOW? Do you have to get them to stop arguing RIGHT NOW? How urgent does it feel? Chances are that in this condition, if there is not imminent and severe danger, then you don't have the right intuition to guide your children through any cooperative process.
Our Nervous systems have at least two main systems. These are Fight/fight and Rest/Digest. The fight/flight system causes stress, anxiety, anger, and an extreme sense of needing to stop a problem right now. The Rest/Digest system helps build relationships and cooperation. Anyone who is trying to get children (or anyone else) to cooperate while in fight/flight mode has a temporary relationship disability caused by temporary brain damage. What I mean by that, is the relationship building components of their brains are losing blood flow. That blood flow needs to be restored before our intuition drives us to build better cooperative experiences with our kids.
We need to understand how children work before we can help them cooperate. The reality is that kids make slow changes when it comes to big emotions and problem habits. Adults in fight/flight mode cannot tolerate or accept this, because their brain is geared towards instant solutions. But instant solutions are not natural for kids. The first step is to learn to be accepting of the reality of how children grow and change. Frustration with how reality works prevents parents from doing what works.
The next step for a parent is to regulate their own internal distress. This will directly improve intuition to manage regular child behavior. I have seen parents in stress mode, trying to make their kids behave, only to provoke their little ones into even more defiance. Conversely, I have seen calm actions and caring attitudes bring about voluntary compliance in children. We need to choose positive feelings toward children even though our natural instinct is to be angry. For our instincts to help us build relationships and cooperation, we need to regulate our own distress I have a list of many simple tips and tricks on how to manage stress. You can view my other blog post about "Coping Skills"
Your third step is to learn specific techniques to help you with parenting. This is not the most important step, and there are many techniques that may or may not work. Whether they work largely depends on how well you validate your child, listen to your child, and regulate your own distress. You'll need to to experiment on what works for a child, and to change course if something doesn't work.
Some techniques work well for some kids, but might not help others. How these techniques are applied (with compassion and love) is more important than what technique is applied. Once we start using a lot of anger and force with any technique, it stops building cooperation.
Here are links to some specific techniques that can help
Turn Your Words Into Gold
Token system
Timeouts
The technique of timeouts can encourage good behavior in one child while promoting the most extreme defiance in another. Many parents use timeouts effectively. It really depends on the specific child and the way the parent enforces timeouts. Some kids will just turn it into a game no matter how serious you get.
Offering or removing privileges for compliance or disobedience.
Sharing control (Not the same thing as giving free reign)
Parents who powerfully or anxiously make all decisions for their children often promote extremes of rebellion or mindless compliance -- neither of which help kids grow up to be emotionally healthy. This is very well-researched. A child who disagrees with a parent is not always a mutinous rebel, but often simply an individual with their own mind. Kids need the opportunity to express disapproval and influence their parents without being shut down every time. Parents can listen to the kids and change a things sometimes, while compassionately and firmly declining to change in other situations.
'As Soon As' instead of 'No' https://www.loveandlogic.com/blogs/our-blog/as-soon-as-instead-of-no
WHEN YOUR CHILD WORRIES TOO MUCH
Let’s suppose a child is afraid that there will be a big car crash, and a parent might die on their way back from work. You could try arguing with your child about why they shouldn't be anxious. Immediately starting an argument isn't always the best approach.
When kids say, “My parents don’t understand me,” They often explain how their parents try to change their minds in ways that aren’t validating.
A validating approach genuinely respects your child’s feelings, even if you disagree:
“I see it’s hard not to worry about this. I know you care about mom and want her to be safe. Even though I’m not worried, I totally get why you are worried. I’m here with you.”
That isn't a quick fix to make the child stop worrying. It takes patience even when your child’s emotions aren’t fixed at once. Being sincere and patient sends an honest message of, “I care about you even when you have big feelings.” Sometimes that is all a child needs to deal with fears, nightmares, and other anxieties. Sometimes they need more, but start with validation, and lots of it.
This approach helps the warmth of the relationship to soothe anxiety, rather than logical arguments. Logical arguments sometimes soothe a child, but can sometimes worsen anxiety.
Validation is sometimes better than saying, “Don’t worry! Use your coping skills! Calm down! As an adult, if I was really upset, and the first thing I heard was, "Use your coping skills," then I might feel dismissed and become more upset because of the dismissal. Coping skills are good, but when used as a way to quickly stop a child from making you uncomfortable, they can backfire. Sometimes it takes a lot of validation first. Sometimes it takes days, months, or more validation interspersed by a few suggestions for coping (when they are receptive)
A rule of thumb: If trying to calm a child down or change their mind makes them upset or argumentative, then it is better to use validation rather than logic, even if you disagree.
WHAT DO YOU WANT YOUR KIDS TO THINK ABOUT THERAPY?
Success in therapy largely depends on how comfortable a child is in therapy, and how supported they feel by their parents. Avoid doing or saying things about therapy that make a child fearful
Do the following
Explain that therapy is to help them to feel better, and to help parents learn how to help kids in ways that aren't as frustrating to kids.
Tell them, "Parents and kids sometimes need a bit of help to improve things. It's just how life works. We'll work on this together."
Allow them to hide their face in therapy if they are anxious.
Compliment them for talking about hard things,
Let them open up on their own terms with gentle encouragement.
Avoid:
Saying anything that gives the impression, “You'll have to talk to him about your most embarrassing life traumas, and it will be JUST YOU AND HIM. You better open up, or I'll be really upset with you."
Making therapy about just their problems. Pointing out how they're wasting time talking about something funny. Parents might be able to spend an hour talking about problems, but kids usually can't. If they are required to, they shut down or get defiant.
Forcing kids to behave and pay attention perfectly in therapy. Too much correction will distract them from the comfort they need to work on anything.
Using therapy attendance as a punishment until they start shaping up. Kids start to resent coming and stop participating.
Stigmatizing therapy: saying anything insulting about anyone, and then pointing out how that person needs therapy.
SHOULD I COME TO COUNSELING WITH MY CHILD?
Usually, Yes. Most parents think, "My kid will open up more if I stay out of the counseling room, because I'm not there to embarrass them" It is my experience, however, that most kids are more open when their parent stays in the session. Sure, if parents get upset at a lot of the things their kids say, argue a lot with them, cut them off repeatedly, force them to talk about every embarrassing moment ever, insult them, compare them to a horrible ex, accuse kids of ruining everything, etc., then kids won't talk about much in any helpful way. But most parents are helpful in session. On exception to needing parental involvement is an older teen who has their own goals and wants to be in counseling (though parental involvement can still be helpful). After a few sessions, some kids may get to the point that they don't need much parental involvement. Other kids may always need parental involvement in session if progress is to be made.
FIGHTING SIBLINGS
The image above is a metaphor for sibling fighting. A brother fighting with a sister can be likened to a man throwing meat at a wolf - trying to scare it away. Maybe the wolf doesn't like getting smacked by the meat, but it's sooooo worth it for a tasty meal! Some parts of the human mind crave contention as much as a wolf craves meat -- even though another part doesn't like it. This is why kids (and even adults) keep coming back for more fighting even when they say they wish it would stop.
Teaching kids to not fight is not as straight-forward as showing them this picture and pointing out how fighting is really, really dumb. Sure, logic might help some, but it will not overpower the natural human instinct to crave contention.
The moment kids are fighting is the time that parents want to spoon feed their kids all the reasons why the fighting should stop. But when kids are in fighting mode, they are not in logical mode, and they are not in relationship-building mode. If you say, "Can't you see how your fighting never solves anything? Don't you want to be a happy family?" Your kids may just ignore you and keep fighting, or they'll start arguing with you. Save that talk until they are calm.
Some techniques that you can experiment with for fighting kids: Many of these techniques are how to manage yourself, because your emotional regulation is your top asset.
You may decide to pick up the youngest one and carry them somewhere else to eventually calm down. This catch and release often works with younger children, and it doesn't involve arguing.
Use positive talk in your mind. When my kids are having problems, I try to genuinely remind myself that most of the time, I really do like my kids.
You are the only person whose emotions you manage. Practice (I know it's hard) patience with kids and their emotions. They are allowed to have emotions.
Remind yourself that your anger might frighten them, but this is not the energy that puts kids into relationship-building mode. You may be sick and tired of their fighting, but it won't help to switch into fighting mode yourself.
Remind yourself that this is a common problem in childhood. They are not little demons. They are just having regular problems. It isn't your fault.
Remind yourself that they aren't always fighting. If they fight 30 minutes a day, then there are still 23 hours and 30 minutes that they are not fighting.
Don't try to solve all your kids' problems right then and there. That will make you frustrated. Realize that fighting will continue for a while, but with patience, it can get better.
You need to see their worth even though it is hard. You'll need to be in relationship-building mode to improve relationships between your children.
Don't overpour the guilt. Guilt isn't good at building relationships.
If distracting them with another activity works, then you can do that. Some kids are more easily distracted than others.
Use empathetic and validating statements. See the validating section of this article. You don't have to agree with their reasons for fighting. Just agree that this is a hard situation.
They will say many things that aren't true. Don't pick apart what they say. It won't help until they are calm to go over the truth. By then they will be thinking more logically.
Don't try to figure out who is at fault unless it is totally obvious. You'll wear yourself out. Don't train them to rely on your fault-finding to solve problems.
WHAT CONSEQUENCES AND PUNISHMENTS SHOULD I USE
Consequences are important, but they are not the most important part of parenting. If you feel that you can't come up with consequences harsh enough to get your child to behave, then it is my experience that your child needs something different than punishments. Make sure to look at the "Stay away from downward spirals" section of this post.
Punishments can be necessary, but there are some warnings about them:
If your main purpose is to make your child feel bad, then you risk going down negative spirals.
Avoid extra long consequences that take away hope from your child. These will not encourage good behavior, but rather remove motivation to do good.
If you focus only on justice and what they deserve, you will miss out on some opportunities to teach and make things better.
Punishments don't teach positive behavior. They do teach kids about how to hide things better. Sometimes punishments are needed, but remember they aren't the most important part of parenting.
Some ideas about helpful consequences
A consequence doesn't have to make the child feel bad if it encourages good behavior. For example, rather than yelling at them to go do a chore, give them a choice of doing it with your help or by themselves. If you do it with them, make it a pleasant experiences.
Consequences are not necessary if the child would change their behavior through teaching, or if they truly need help to do something the right way. For example, some kids with ADHD will need a gentle parent to do a chore with them, or they won't be able to focus.
A consequence could be to do an activity that generally makes the child happy (as long as it isn't feeding the problem behavior, such as giving candy to a child who is tantruming for candy). If a child is upset while misbehaving, and calming down would make them more obedient, then why would you punish them and make them feel worse and more defiant?
If they refuse to follow through with a chore or a consequence, then withhold a privilege until they complete it. "As soon as you clean the bathroom , I will take you to your friend's house." Wait until they want something you can offer them, and ask for compliance before they get it.
If you tell them you will ground them the rest of the year, it is okay to tell them, "In my anger, I gave you too big of a consequence. Here is what the new consequence will be." It's a good lesson for them to learn - that people should change course when they make an inappropriate threat. If all the kids I knew followed through with their threats, there would be a lot less people on earth.
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(C) 2025. All original Text. Images on blogs are a combination of Mark's creations, public domain clipart, and AI images edited by Mark.
